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My Humor Archive

You can pretend to be serious
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Hip Hop Translations
Laziest Thing Students Have Ever Done
Spam Haiku
American Demographics

Quotes from Church Magazines
Quotes from Medical Records
Amusing Junk Mail Titles
Quotes from Legal Records
Interesting Headlines
Who Are You?- A Personality Test Archive

Film Clips of Note

 


Hip Hop Translations


__________________________________________________
Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)
Lyrics:

 First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
 Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money
 Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'
 But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
 Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
 Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
 However, I stay coochied down to the socks
 Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all
kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude
magazine models, and whores.  I particularly enjoy sexual encounters
with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact
that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of
course, they douche on a consistent basis.  Although I am  extremely 
unattractive,I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some
regularity.  Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and
expensive jewelery.  
 

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it - if you think your gonna make a profit

TRNSL:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo.  Apparently, women
enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me
driving.  Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations,
some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce
me in their homes.  Their intent is to divest me of my earnings.  Such
actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don't see my ones, don't see my guns - get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don't know what the hell's stoppin' ya
I'm clockin' ya - Versace shades watchin' ya
Once ya grin, I'm in game, begin

TRNSL:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons.
I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent
sexual acts.  Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior
Mafia.  I'm having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to
approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my
expensives glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will
approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklesses - stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the
Climax that your man can't make
Call and tell him you'll be home real late
Let's sing the break

TRNSL:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe
and jewelery, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars.
This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse
with me.  I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter
you from behind.  Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm.  I
understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner.
He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts.  Please phone him and 
inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the
chorus of the song for me also.
 

Lyrics:

She's sick of that song on how it's so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is - major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin' - don't bring your girl 'round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRNSL:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications
about the length of your member.  After I had sexual intercourse with
your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed
to be performed; violently and immorally.  It would be in your best
interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very
strong.  If you are unconvinced, ask your brother.

Lyrics:

You - ringin' bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRNSL:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with
bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes
Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle)
containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has
contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at
midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin' jobs, playin' car notes?
While I'm swimmin' in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what's the best stroke
Death stroke - tongue all down her throat
Nuthin' left to do but send her home to you
I'm through - can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRNSL:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain
payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman.
Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd
osculatory acts with your women.  My only remaining option is to
request that they leave my home and return to you because I have
reached orgasm and no longer have a need for their presence.

Lyrics:

So, what's it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in 'em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man's a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin'

TRNSL:

The ultimate decision rests with you.  Whom do you choose as your
sexual partner.  I can take you on cruises around the world.  I will
dress you in the finest jewelery and footwear.  You will be envied by
women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelery.  There is a special
place in my heart for beautiful women.  I will shoot your man in an
altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion - flyin' into all states
Sexin' me while your man masturbates
Isn't this great? Your flight leaves at eight
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds
Lyrically I'm supposed to represent
I'm not only the client, I'm the player president

TRNSL:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris.  I will
fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelery.  You
will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to
pleasure himself through manual stimulation.  What a life!  I'll
return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o'clock flight.  The
timing is perfect becuase I have scheduled a date with a second woman
who arrives at the same gate at 9 o'clock.  I'll seduce her in the
same way that I seduced you.  I rap well and I am a positive
reflection of my hometown.  Not only am I a sexually deviant,
misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the
board of directors of the organization that governs others of my
kind.

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OVERACHIEVER


Created by Italian artist and body painter, Johannes Stoetter

See more of his work here

this is God's way of telling you
you're going to have a bad day...



 

Church Magazine Quotes


Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'
 

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A Collection Of Spam Haiku

Grotesque pinkish mass
In a blue can on a shelf
Quivering alone

Pink beefy temptress
I can no longer remain
Vegetarian

Oh Argentina!
Your little tin of meat soars
Above the pampas

In the cool morning
I fry up a slab of Spam
A dog barks next door

Ears, snouts, and innards,
A homogeneous mass
Pass another slice

Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat
Give me a spork please

Old man seeks doctor
"I eat Spam daily", he says.
Angioplasty

Highly unnatural
The tortured shape of this "food"
A small pink coffin

 

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American Demographics

Did you know that...
+ Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
+ 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
+ Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
+ 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
+ 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear.
+ 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).
+ The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.
+ 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
+ 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
+ 91% of us lie regularly.
+ 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
+ 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
+ 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
+ 90% believe in divine retribution.
+ 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
+ 82% believe in an afterlife.
+ 45% believe in ghosts.
+ 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
+ 29% of us are virgins when we marry.
+ 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
+ Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
+ 35% give to charity at least once a month.
+ How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.
+ 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
+ When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
+ 70% of us drink orange juice daily.
+ Snickers is the most popular candy.
+ 22% of us skip lunch daily.
+ 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
+ 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
+ 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
+ 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
+ Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
+ 45% use mouthwash every day.
+ 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
+ The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
+ Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
+ 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
+ 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
+ 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
+ 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)
+ 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
+ 57% have had deja vu.
+ 49% believe in ESP.
+ 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
+ The average girl starts her period at age 12.
+ 44% have broken a bone.
+ Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
+ 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
+ 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
+ 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to AWAYS find it up.
+ 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
+ 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
+ 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
+ 45.2% pee in the shower.
+ 44.9% pee in the ocean.
+ 28.1% pee in the pool.
+ 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're using the toilet.
+ 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
+ 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.
+ 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
+ 22% are functionally illiterate.
+ Less than 10% are trilingual.
+ 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
+ 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
+ 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.
+ 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
+ 40% of us have had music lessons.
+ 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
+ 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
+ 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
+ 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
+ 59% of us say we're average-looking.
+ Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
+ 90% of us depend on clocks to wake us.
+ 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
+ 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
+ 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
+ 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
+ The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
+ Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
+ 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
+ 6% propose over the phone.
+ 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.
+ 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
+ 12% of men never use their car blinkers.
+ 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
+ 25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
+ 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Now... how normal are you???
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Quotes from Medical Records...

Just when you thought it was safe to go to the doctor... The following quotes were taken from real medical records.


 - The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  - She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in
  bed last night.
 - Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
 - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
 - Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her
  up.
 - Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
 - Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
 - The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of
  acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the
  emergency room.
 - Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
 - The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and
  crashed.
 - She is numb from her toes down.
 - While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
 - Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
 - Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
 - The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently
  enrolled in day care three times a week.
 - Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued to Los Angeles.
 - Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
 - The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker
  instead.

 

Quotes from Legal Records...
 

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4.  Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
      A: "No."
      Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
      A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
      Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
      A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "How many were boys?"
      A: "None."
      Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
      A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
      Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14.Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
      A: "By death."
      Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
      A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
     Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an  autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
      A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood."

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NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


 

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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Recommended Links

Harvard/Cambridge Survey of English Dialects

Ugly Renaissance Babies

Unintentionally Sexual Church Signs

Treasury of Mis-heard Rock Lyrics

The Movie Cliche Site

What Santorum Truly Means

Photo test-- Is this a serial killer or a software developer?

Americans With No Ability Act

The Picture of Everything ---the world's most comprehensive piece of artwork

Chick Publications: Publishing gospel literature for over 40 years - English chick cartoon tracts

Jesus the Gay Musical - obviously a matter of personal taste (it's a video)

15 Top Pieces of Etch-a-Sketch Art

Italian Behavior Patterns Compared to Other Europeans

RelationshipRevenge.com

Name that Religious Fanatic --- quotes by (a)Jerry Falwell, (b)Pat Robertson or (c)Osama bin Laden ????

Dante's Inferno Test- Impurity, Sin and Damnation

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Results --- contest to write the worst first line of a novel

Who Are You?: a Collection of Online Personality Tests

Illustration by Sir John Tenniel (1866)

Alice in Wonderland(by Lewis Carroll) Chapter 5

" The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for
some time in silence. At last the Caterpillar took the hookah
out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.
`Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present--
at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning,
but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

The Color Test- ..red, blue, green, yellow... how quickly can you click on the color of the font, not the meaning of the word

Which Circle of Dante's Hell Do You Belong On?

Which Greek Goddess Are You?

Are You a Snob?

Which Simpsons Character Are You?

Which Serial Killer Are You Most Like?

Your Personality-Revealed by Your Color Preferences

Another Color Test

What's Your Stage Name? includes rock, rap, pop and country music gendres

Are You Able to Recognize a Sincere Smile?

Which Horrible Affliction Are You?

Are You A Freak?

Which Fantasy/Sci Fi Character Are You?

Which Breed of Cat Are You?

Where are you on the Political Spectrum? (not humorous, but pretty interesting and also pretty accurate)

What's Your Spiritual Type? (another one that's interesting rather than funny)

Which Animal Are You?

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Film Clips of Note (not necessarily humor)

The Best of the Worst Logo Designs

Sean Penn vs. Stephen Colbert: Meta-Free-Phor-All

Some Gigs Go Well... Some Don't : comedian gets punched onstage

6 Formerly Kickass Creatures Ruined by Evolution 

A Chapel Made of Human Bones

500 Years of Womens Portraits Morphed in Sequence

Women, Know Your Limits Harry Enfield

Son's Boyfriend Harry Enfield

The Conjugal Rights Guide Harry Enfield



 

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